Why do we settle for unhappy relationships?
Updated: Jul 30
An important Vedic concept about male-female dynamics.
Sometimes we find ourselves in a relationship where everything seems ok, almost perfect, but on the other hand, it just feels “not right”. We feel like we are putting in an unfairly big effort to keep the relationship alive, and have to give up a big chunk of ourselves in exchange for simply staying in it. We need to resort to tricks to get our partner’s attention. We feel that our sense of integrity suffers. We
are secretly dissatisfied with our partner. We are gradually getting indifferent to our partner’s thoughts and desires. And on top of that, we clearly see that our “loved one” is not very happy either.
Although for some people this happens once in a while, often people say “I always end up in this type of relationship. What is wrong with me?”
According to Vedic knowledge system, the issue may be laying in “reverse” masculine-feminine energy dynamics.
Masculine and Feminine forces work together to create everything in the world
There is a clear definition of male and female energies in Vedic system:
Masculine energy is proactive, and relates to mind/consciousness
Feminine energy is receptive and creative, and relates to the matter
According to Puranas, the whole visible world is created by Shakti - feminine principle, working in a tandem with Lord Shiva, representing masculine principle. In Vedic cosmology, Lord Shiva represents the constitutive elements of the Universe, while Shakti is the dynamic potency, which makes these elements come to life and act. Shiva cannot create the world without Shakti; without her, he starves. The masculine and feminine energies are working as a union.
In Astrology, masculine energy is represented by the Sun. It’s dynamic, initiating, and steadfast. Feminine energy is represented by the Moon. It’s receptive, accommodating, and changeable.
Sun is determined, goal-oriented and eager to give. Moon is perceptive, empathic, affectionate, eager to embrace the other.
Masculine energy wants to be loved for what it does, and when it does good, it feels good. Feminine energy wants to be loved for what it is, and when it feels good, it does good.
Therefore, for a man it feels natural to be the initiator of a relationship, and let the woman know how he feels. He knows that he needs to give a woman a sense of security, and prove himself for her so she can trust him.
For a woman, it feels natural to receive man’s demonstration of affection, and let him care for her. She feels worthy and empowered to make her choice, to decide if this relationship would make her happy, so she would be inspired to create one life for both of them.
Men and women are equally valuable, but not the same
While these principles seem too traditional, they still define dynamics between two people even in modern relationships. Often we hear that in modern society genders should be totally equalized and almost interchangeable. However, the Masculine and Feminine forces have predetermined roles in the world. The dynamics of courtship and dating did not change. And while both genders are equally important, they are not interchangeable.
That is why it would be strange to hear a woman saying to a man things like “I will prove myself to you”, or "You are safe with me". Those are man’s lines. This is also a reason why it feels awkward when a woman directly initiates a date with a man, instead of letting him to make a move. This is also a reason why men are not praised for beauty, but for ambitiousness and strength. The energy flows from man to a woman, never backwards. Masculine nature is proactive, and it’s a man’s work to prove his allegiance to a woman. Feminine nature is reactive and creative, therefore her work is to wait for the right partner, and to make sure the man she chooses is good for her. Men and women behave accordingly to their respective energies and mindset. And while for the purposes of maintaining life men and women are equally valuable, they are not the same.
That being said, it’s important to emphasize that these principles represent the “pure” manifestation of masculine and feminine energies in us humans. When it comes to a particular man and a woman, Vedic science maintains that a woman always possesses 51% or more of feminine energy, and a man always possesses 51% or more of masculine energy.
But What about Feminism?
Yes, it is good that in most modern societies, women are not dependent on a man or on male family members to survive. Its fair and just that women and men are treated with equal respect, paid the same money for the same job, and have equal rights. It is normal by moral standards, and if it was not like this before, its because the societies in the past were influences by religions that were already corrupted.
Any religion becomes corrupted after a while, far away from purity of it's initial spiritual purpose. At the times of Cali Yuga, the corruption of the world deemed to be a norm, so the roles of men and women in the world became the source of oppression rather then inspiration. And it's no wonder that this essay on masculine and feminine energies can be viewed as a step backward from that hard-earned progress. But the point is, that women can enjoy this progress, equality and rights without losing their her feminine nature. The speed-of-light perceptive energy of a woman is not her weakness, it's her power.
Any life form on earth, including humans, are supplied with survival mechanism. A single father can grow a child alone, as well as a single mother. A woman can survive alone, and a man can live alone as well. But for harmony and balance in life, it's better to have an interaction of energies, allowing them to grow and understand themselves better. As per Vedic spiritual teachings, the joy of a man is to take care about a woman, and the joy of a woman is to create thier life together.
If the man is “empowered to give”,
he can only be with a woman who is “empowered to receive”.
For a man empowered with masculine energy, caring about his woman and getting her love in return makes his source of happiness. A woman in his life creates family, children, community, and makes life beautiful. Therefore, the purpose of the man is to take care of a woman. If he is not attached, he fulfils the wishes of his mother, and adapts the vison of his mother. Without caring about a woman, a man literally feels no purpose in the world. The only exception is when he leaves the worldly life behind, but in this case, he leaves all attachments, family connections and material belongings, and serves only God.
The woman who is "empowered to receive", will receive many offers.
A woman empowered with feminine energy is always in touch with her feelings, which allows her to unmistakably accept the good things that life brings her, and reject that which will make her unhappy.
So dear ladies, get in touch with your feelings and reassess: if you feel that your man is not waking up everyday with a single thought on how to make you happy, think again if this man is for you. The whole framework of Vedic knowledge is backing up this simple rule.
Both men and women feel miserable when their masculine or feminine power is obstructed in a relationship.
A man feels the most miserable when he can not make his woman happy. This devalues his masculine power. It makes him feel that he failed to care about her, and that everything he does is wrong. The worst nightmare for a man is to be attached to unappreciative, never happy, criticizing “bitch”.
A woman is miserable when she feels that she is not a main focus in her man’s life. When she needs to fight for his attention, when she feels not adored and not cared for.
So now, once we’ve identified the issues, lets see how these situations are created. Why do people keep entering into relationships where they feel miserable?
Suppressed feminine energy in a woman or masculine in a man makes them “disempowered”
The reason for this is also explained by Vedic Astrology. In order to create a good masculine/feminine energy dynamic, a man and a woman need to be “empowered” in their respective energies. Then the energy flow goes the right way, and it feels natural and happy.
The issues arise in a situation when masculine energy is “suppressed” in a man, or when a woman has a lot of “masculine” energy. In this case, they become “disempowered”, and its hard for them to form a good relationship.
In a case of “Disempowered Man” - he is full of fears, afraid to “give”. He is doubtful about his ability to provide security in a relationship. He is afraid to pursue the woman he wants in his life, so he hopes to settle for the woman who picks him herself (until he meets someone better). He does not have the confidence in his masculine power, so he ends up with a woman who has a lot of masculine energy herself. At the same time, he feels bossed around or nudged by this woman, so he is not really happy in this union, feeling even more demasculated.
In a case of “Disempowered Woman” - she is "afraid to receive”. She can’t trust a man to let him care about her. She has a low self-value as a woman, not confident in herself. She would instantly reject a man who is confident in his masculinity, would turn him down and they will not be together. Instead, she would pick a “safe choice” man, who’s masculine power is suppressed, and who does not have the courage to pursue a woman he loves.. The “safe choice” man will not contribute much to the relationship in the future. She would feel that in this relationship she needs to take care of everything herself, and needs to employ some tricks to keep her man “involved”. There’s no hope that she has his undivided attention, her presence is enjoyed, and her wishes are anticipated. She must use logic and guilt to validate her wishes to him. But relationships are not driven by logic, which is governed by Mars. Relationships are driven by emotions, governed by Venus and Moon.
If we are in fear of being hurt, we are not entering relationships in a healthy way. Fears are the biggest reason for crisis of relationships. In many cases, the reverse dynamic causes deterioration of a relationship, creates a lot of resentment, anger and depression.
In practice, the union of “disempowered” people may still hold, as long as both parties are aware of this type of “reverse” dynamic. We come here on Earth never in perfect shape. Everyone has some kind of flaws that require work. People in such (and in other types) of imperfect unions are there for a reason, having a chance to work on these issues in difficult situations.
The purpose of this article is not to label these relationships “all wrong”, but to explain the dynamics, so people are aware why they may feel how they feel. Knowledge alone brings a lot of inner peace and power, and it’s a beginning of any positive change.